Duty or Love?

I left my heart in Brasilia. Simple as that. The city's just absolutely lovely and filled with history. Everytime I go to DC, I always get this chill down my spine because people years ago stood where I stood, declaring independence, signing important documents and all that. I actually felt a stronger connection in Brasilia than I did in DC, and I think it's because I'm connected to the city's history. After all, I am Brazilian. But it was just amazing. The city's dedicated to two people. Don Bosco, the priest who had a very precise latitude-longitude vision of Brasilia, so much so that the land he had envisioned is still to this day owned by the Vatican. And President Juscelino Kubitschek, who ordered Brasilia to be designed to be the famous plane-like shape it is today and dedicated his life to 3 things: bettering Brazil, his Jacqueline Kennedy-like wife Sarah Kubitschek, and his mistresses. Sad, but true.

But that's not what I meant when I said I left my heart in Brasilia. It is, but it's not the only reason. In the four short days I was there, I actually managed to fall in love. And not just lust--paixao, something fleeting like that. I mean, LOVE. I fell in love with someone who's wonderful, and it killed me to leave him. Now, I'm a pretty level headed person. I know the difference between like, lust and love. I've had my heart broken and my hopes dashed more times than I can count so therefore I guard my heart with the utmost intensity. I'm not a fool. I'm just a hopeless romantic who was slightly beginning to lose hope in love. I started this blog, really, in hopes of also inspiring me to start believing in love like I used to. And it worked. I didn't think I would actually really be capable of falling in love after having my heart be so seriously damaged and me be so incredibly jaded in me finding love, that I thought maybe God wanted me to be an example of what not to do for others to be able to find love without making the giant mistakes I've made. And I would've been incredibly satisfied. I feel like I'm meant to help others in some way, shape or form.

But I fell in love. And he's everything I have ever wanted and asked God for. He works for the Brazilian Government as a federal agent. He's kind, caring, loving, and solid, something EVERY girl needs. Solid. And yes, we do live in continents apart! But to be honest, this was what I needed for reasons previously stated. I needed to get out of that funk, a jolt to the heart to get it to kickstart and beat again. To understand that just because I've had lots of rotten luck with love in the past, it's exactly what it is, no longer part of my future. But I guess a little heartbreak is inevitable once you find happiness--one of the major downfalls of having dual citizenship is not knowing where you really belong. So conscientiously, I know I have to return home to the US. My life, my work, my family, my friends are all in the US. My mentality is that of an American citizen. But my blood, heart and soul will eternally be Brazilian. How do I leave the country I love so much and the man I've fallen completely and hopelessly for? How do I say goodbye? I write this in the flight back to Sao Paulo to catch a connect flight and go home. And I would've given anything to stay. Anything. And yet how do I give up a life in the country I've called home most of my life to live in a a country that I've learned, after four days, is as strange to me as any other country in the world? The eternal question: do I stay or do I go? Do I choose duty--to family, work, and comfort--or do I choose love?

On a completely different note, I'd just like to say that the Brazilian people love their Cokes way too much. I don't think they appreciate a good Acerola juice. Man, it's DELICIOUS!!

A part of you has grown in me.
And so you see, it's you and me
Together forever and never apart,
Maybe in distance, but never in heart. - Anonymous

The Vow

.....Ok. I would usually put up upcoming film trailers in my other blog, The 5050 Critics. But this film has Allie and John. And if you don't know who Allie and John are, you need to either read Nicholas Sparks or watch his films. They are the chickiest of all chick flicks. Allie was the character in The Notebook, a major tearjerker to this day, and the love shared by she and Noah transcends the pages of the novel, and John is from the more recent Dear John, where you kind of wish that a soldier will love you the way John loved Savannah. But this just looks amazingly chick flicky. And of course, being a chick, I will watch it. I probably won't love it, but because I'm a seriously hopeless romantic, I'll be swept in it.

Hold Me Now, It's Hard For Me To Say I'm Sorry....

Ah, that old Chicago song, Hard To Say I'm Sorry is always on the radio. Maybe it's because sometimes, quite often, SOMEONE screws up and has to apologize. What's the ratio on that--for every two people, one makes the mistake? Because that sounds about right.

HUMANITY. It is flawed. We are flawed creatures because of original sin. Now before you go of blaming Adam and Eve for all sorts of mals that's going on in the world, think about it. God created us with free will. FREE WILL. The ability to let us do whatever we want and make the choices that we want to do. However, it's how we deal with the consequences of our actions that make us either decent people or just plain idiots.

I mean, Adam and Eve's always going to be known as the couple who screwed up paradise with God for us. They managed to make that horrible mistake of not following one simple rule: DON'T EAT THE FRUIT. Now they're left wanting and with memories of perfection. We'll never know how that feels because perfection ceased to exist after that, so at least we don't have to ever suffer like Adam and Eve did. But do you think they spent the rest of their mortal days on Earth blaming each other? Even after their children went at it with rocks and knives and such, I don't know if they'd be blaming each other. In order to live life without any rancor, you have to learn to forgive, and you have to ASK for forgiveness. Swallow your pride!!!! And don't just say 'I'm Sorry' just so say it, and with hopes of getting them to forget about it. Forgive and forget just doesn't work. Whoever came up with that little phrase was ABSOLUTELY dead wrong. It just simply does not work. You can forgive, sure. But the act that needed forgiviness in the first place will never be erased from memory. Unless the person gets some sort of amnesia.

You can never wipe the slate clean with someone. The streaks from the chalk are still visible. But this is where it gets interesting. People tend to get fuzzy on memory if they don't have that constant reminder of a lack of apology. The words that the apology wiped away can't be brought back. You can still see the streaks, sure. But no longer can those streaks turn into words. So it's a start.

Now here's the thing: don't be one of those people that try to rehash the past by rubbing people's faults in their faces. If you forgave, great. LET GO. I'm not saying to forget; it's your prerogative as to whether or not you want to do that. But I am saying, LET GO. It only causes unwanted wrinkles and worry lines on your face, streaks your hair with premature gray, and it may even cause more tears and sorrow, so no one really wants that more than they need. So do yourself the favor. Be the bigger person. Let go of whatever's holding you back from forgiveness, either giving or receiving.

To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness. - Robert Muller